New UMC Denomination In Panic After Split: “Our Choirs Are Going To F***ing Suck”

Benjamin Wrathbrooke is a United Methodist Church Minister out of Pigeon Forge, TN and sat down with with our publication to discuss a criminally under reported part of the upcoming UMC denomination split. The impending lack of LGBTQ choristers. MNFC Reports in this special- New UMC Denomination In Panic After Split: “Our Choirs Are Going To F***ing Suck”

Benjamin Wrathbrooke on his Pigeon Forge Ranch.

“As much as I disagree with the alternative lifestyles of some parishioners, we are losing a level of quality within the choir” Mr. Wrathbrooke laments. “Pearlie-May just can’t hit a C# like Antoine could.” When asking about this Antoine, Wrathbrooke grew pale, said a derogatory expletive, and ordered us out of his office. While we where worried about the end of our lead, we found out that Pearlie-May was willing to take a bribe…and an alcoholic. One $8 Bottle of Merlot later, we visited Antoine at the location she provided…along with his Husband Mark & new daughter Sonny.

New UMC Denomination In Panic

Antoine(left), Mark(right), Baby Sonny(center)

“That’s funny” Antoine said in response to the events of the interview. “You know I am more then happy to raise my daughter with a love of god” as he bobbed Sonny on his knee. “but not in a place where gods love is conditional” As he got up & walked into the kitchen Sonny in his arm, Mark sat down and offered his take. “I met Antoine At Wrathbrooke’s church. We adopted Sonny a year after we were married.” He explained, “We have dealt with homophobia for years, it never shook our faith. But it wasnt until, The Incident that we left.” We inquired about ‘The Incident’ and before Mark could say anything, Antoine’s disembodied voice exclaimed “We left because that geriatric fuck was mad I wouldn’t give him head! But newsflash Minister Mayo I have your Grindr Link saved”

The threat to UMC choirs quality across the nation looms, and closeted Pastors hide due to social pressure. A successful resolution does not seem to be on the horizon

Edit: We Linked Mr.Wrathbrooke’s Grindr, but it has since been deleted


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